


Full of hate

by LonelyAngel



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Bullying, Short Chapters, mean Tyler, poor Jish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 12:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 8,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10100183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAngel/pseuds/LonelyAngel
Summary: Tyler loves hurting people physically and mentally, especially Josh. He feels strong and powerful, when he sees Josh weak and cringing under his mean words. Tyler knows it's wrong, but he can't stop himself. Josh knows it's wrong, too, but he's Tyler's friend. He doesn't want to hurt him the way he gets hurt. So he keeps silent and lets his best friend yell at him and beat him, while he breaks slowly.





	1. Chapter 1

Josh turned his drumsticks in his hand. And again. And again.

The door to the tour bus opened. Josh knew immediately that it was Tyler. He flinched, but he remained sitting on the sofa. What could Tyler do to him?

Tyler walked to the small built-in kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He leaned against the cupboard and watched Josh with a mocking smile.

"What are you doing?" He asked, bored.

Josh stared at his trembling hands. He was used to Tyler's mood. If he was in a good mood, Josh was safe. If he was in a bad mood, it was best to avoid Tyler. But the worst was when Tyler was bored. Then he played with Josh, like a cat with a mouse.

Josh muttered an answer.

Tyler stared at him. "Please, could you speak clearly, a single time in your life?"

Josh didn't look up. "I'm practicing tricks." He said louder.

Tyler laughed. Josh winced.

"You mean, if you throw your drumsticks through the air you'll be a better drummer, or do you just want more attention?"

Josh shook his head quickly. "I don't want any attention." he said softly.

Tyler drank a gulp of the water. "So why?"

"I ... I thought ..." Josh stuttered, looking up. Tyler's eyes glittered dangerously.

"Look, you can't even speak properly."

That wasn't true. Josh stuttered only in Tyler's presence. Tyler made him nervous. He knew his friend hated it when he stuttered, causing him to be stressed and he stuttered worse.

"One like you deserves no attention." Tyler said coldly. He took a step forward. Josh ducked and held his hands protectively over his head. He heard Tyler laugh out loud.

"You're such a coward, Josh." Then the door slammed and Josh was alone again.

He stared at his hands. He tried to forget Tyler's words, but he couldn't. Josh knew he was afraid of Tyler.


	2. Chapter 2

Josh sighed in relief. Tyler chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. He walked to the dressing room, reached for his cell phone and walked into the bathroom and closed the door. Josh dropped onto the couch. The show had gone well and Tyler was in a good mood. He was talking to Jenna. Josh heard him laugh. He relaxed.

After a few minutes, Tyler came back. He threw the phone on the table and pulled out his shirt. Josh smiled back as Tyler grinned at him. Tyler walked to the sofa and hugged Josh. Josh was stunned. Tyler hadn't hugged him for a long time. He was too busy hurting Josh. Tyler stroked his back.

"That was a good show, Josh."

Josh was happy about the compliment. "You weren't bad either." he said with a crooked grin, still in Tyler's arms.

"You see, you don't have to do tricks, I'm entertaining the fans enough." whispered Tyler, stepping a few steps backwards.

Josh was sure Tyler hadn't meant it in a mean way, but the remark had hurt him. He tried not to show it. Tyler walked to the small fridge and threw a can of Redbull in Josh's direction. Josh caught it and drank a sip. Tyler watched him with a smile. Josh ran a hand through his sweaty hair. He stood up to get a towel, the can in his hand.

He tripped. Redbull splashed out of the can and poured over Tyler's upper body. Josh stared at him horrified. Tyler looked down at his chest, the liquid running down his stomach and dripping to the ground. He sighed and looked up. Josh winced as he saw the rage in his eyes.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled.

Tyler came closer with a few steps and slapped him. Josh stumbled back and pressed a hand to his aching cheek. His eyes watered.

"You're such an idiot, Josh." hissed Tyler.

He turned and disappeared into the bathroom to wash the Redbull off. Josh whimpered and sat down on the couch, pressing the almost empty can against the cheek to cool it. It shouldn't have happened to him. It was all his fault.


	3. Chapter 3

There was a knock at the door. Josh gazed at Tyler, but he sat on the couch, stared into his cell phone and ignored him. Josh put the Redbull can on the table and stood up. He opened the door. It was Mark.

"Are you ready?"

Josh nodded and looked over his shoulder. Tyler put his phone in his pocket and stood up. He cleared his throat.

"Yes, we are ready, thank you Mark."

Josh wondered how he managed to sound so friendly. Tyler had just been angry, but now he smiled at Mark and his voice sounded calm. The two followed Mark to the exit of the venue and got into the van, who was waiting for them. Josh leaned his aching cheek against the cold window and stared at the dark street. Lights of other cars dazzled him and he closed his eyes. He heard Tyler talk about the show. Again and again he laughed when he told something funny. Josh was tired. After a few minutes, he fell asleep.

A hand shook him gently.

"Josh, wake up, we're at the hotel." whispered Tyler.

Josh blinked. He yawned and turned to Tyler.

"Are you tired?" Tyler asked with a slight smile.

Josh nodded and unbuckled himself. He got out of the car. The crew, Tyler and he entered the hotel. Mark pressed a key into his hand. Josh was relieved that they were famous enough to pay for separate rooms. He used to sleep with Tyler in a room, but that was over. Josh was glad about that. Tyler had changed over the last years.

Tyler stood next to him. "Our rooms are next to each other."

Josh nodded tiredly. He just wanted to sleep. He followed Tyler to the elevator. Both were silent on the way to their rooms. Josh unlocked the door to his room.

"Josh?"

Josh turned around.

"Yeah?"

Tyler smiled. "Sleep well."

Josh swallowed. "Thanks."

Tyler nodded and disappeared into his room. Josh stepped into his room and closed the door behind him. After a quick shower, he went to bed and fell asleep quickly.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I've been very busy

Josh woke up early. He couldn't fall asleep again. With a sigh, he got up and began packing his suitcase.

Today they would have to drive several hours to the next concert hall. That meant he would be locked in the tourbus with Tyler for a long time.

Josh thought about Tyler while he threw his clothes in the suitcase.

A few years ago, when they were at the beginning of their careers, they were best friends. Josh liked to remember the old Tyler. Sometimes, when he was sad, Tyler had comforted him and the other way round. They had had a lot of fun together. But now ...

Josh couldn't tell if Tyler was only acting when he was nice to Josh. Tyler's mood changed quickly and without reason. Josh was sure Tyler needed a way to get rid of his stress and irritation, and Josh was the perfect chance.

Josh knew he was stronger than Tyler. He could fight back. One single hit. Perhaps Tyler would stop then. Josh had often thought about defending himself and letting Tyler feel how much he hurt him. But he couldn't. Whenever Tyler pushed him against a wall or dugged his fingernails into Josh's arm, he didn't get angry. He got sad. He looked in Tyler's eyes and he knew he would never hurt his best friend. Josh didn't believe it, but he hoped the old Tyler was still there. He hoped he would have his best friend back again.

He went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. His cheek was not red or swollen. Josh sighed, relieved. No one knew that Tyler and Josh didn't get along anymore. The whole crew thought they were best friends. Josh and Tyler acted well. Too good. No one noticed Tyler's rage or Josh's sad and tired eyes.

Josh shaved. He didn't even give a jerk when the razor blade cut into his skin and blood dripped into the sink. He had already experienced worse.


	5. Chapter 5

Josh sat on the little couch in the tour bus and stared at the display of his mobile phone. Tyler sat facing him, arms crossed and he watched him. Josh felt his gaze burning on his skin, but he didn't look up. Tyler clicked his tongue. Josh didn't respond. Tyler clicked again. Josh ignored him. He didn't want to talk to Tyler.

"Josh."

Josh scrolled through the tweets, but he couldn't concentrate on the written words.

"Josh." Tyler repeated louder.

Josh bit his lip. He didn't react, although he knew he could not pretend he didn't hear Tyler.

A stabbing pain ran through his shinbone. Josh gasped and looked up. Tyler had kicked him.

"Why are you ignoring me?" asked Tyler, squinting his eyes.

"Because I don't want to talk to you." Josh replied irritably.

"And why not?"

Josh glanced back at his phone and didn't answer.

"Josh, I'm talking to you!" hissed Tyler. He spoke quietly, he didn't want the rest of the crew to hear their conversation.

Josh got angry. The crew should know how Tyler really was, he didn't care!

"Leave me alone, Tyler."

"You're childish, Josh." Tyler said coldly.

Josh shook his head. "You're the one who acts childish, just because you don't get enough attention, you don't need to get angry."

Tyler rolled his eyes. "You just say that because I said you shouldn't do your silly tricks."

Josh looked him in the eye. "No, I don't care about your opinion at all, you're not important enough to me. I don't care about you."

That was a lie, but Josh knew he'd made Tyler speechless for a moment. He enjoyed the triumph.

Tyler stood up. "You'll be sorry." he said, and disappeared in his bunk.

Josh took a deep breath. It had been unwise to provoke Tyler. He had seen that he had hurt Tyler with his words and he would have to pay for it.

Josh closed his eyes. He felt bad. He had enjoyed the feeling of triumph, but he was no better than Tyler, wasn't he? Josh swallowed. He wanted so much that everything was the same again.

Tears burned in his eyes. Josh got up and climbed into his bunk. He felt Tyler's presence in the bunk above him, and he held his hand over his mouth so Tyler didn't hear his sobbing. He couldn't show his weakness. Tyler hated it when he cried. He told Josh over and over again how weak he was, and that he could be glad that he was going to be friends with Josh.

Josh knew Tyler was right.

Without Tyler he was nothing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got some very good ideas from fear_her_blurryface, which I tried to use in the following chapters. Thank you for that!

The tour bus stopped. Michael stood up and brushed his hair out of his face.

"Okay, guys, we're an hour early, so we have to wait until we can start to arrange the instruments."

Josh glanced at Tyler. Tyler looked relaxed, a slight smile was on his lips. He noticed Josh's gaze and nodded at him briefly. Josh bit his lip. He knew Tyler wouldn't forget his words. He would take revenge on Josh. Josh glanced at the floor. He was trembling when he thought about how Tyler would let him pay. Last time, Josh had to walk around with a scarf around his neck for days to cover the bruises. What would he do this time?

 

 

Josh carried the cartboard box with his snare drum to the stage and put it off with a groan. Michael carried two boxes, one above the other, while Tyler carried his ukulele box on the stage and carefully set it down. Josh bent down and opened the box.

He let out a frightened scream and stumbled backwards.

Tyler ran towards him. "Josh, what's going on?"

Josh gestured to the box. "S-spider."

Tyler and Michael leaned looked into the box.

"Eww." Tyler grimaced when he stared at the giant black spider that was sitting on the snare drum.

Michael scratched his head. "How does it get in there?"

"No idea." Josh approached carefully, but flinched at the sight of the giant spider and turned away. He was afraid of spiders, everyone from the crew knew that and ... Tyler knew it too.

Had Tyler placed the spider in the box? He knew how much Josh was afraid of the animals. Josh glanced at Tyler, who kept looking at the spider with a mixture of amusement and disgust on his face. Michael organized a large glass and caught the spider. Tyler grinned when Josh flinched.

"Are you afraid, Josh?" he asked with sparkeling eyes.

Josh took a deep breath. "You know I'm afraid of spiders. I have no idea how it got into the box."

Tyler shrugged. "Neither do I."

Michael took the spider out and Tyler took care of his instruments again. Hesitantly, Josh set up his drums, always ready to flee in case another spider was in the box. Tyler noticed his nervousness.

"What if there's another one in there and it crawls over your drums during the show?" he asked, and Josh was sure Tyler was enjoying his fear.

"Then I will call you and you will capture it." he replied, ignoring his racing heart.

Tyler just laughed. "Eww, no, we just interrupt the show and Michael can take care of it."

Josh smiled halfheartedly. Did Tyler really have anything to do with the spider or was it just coincidence? He didn't know.

Josh got an uneasy feeling. Something would happen tonight, he knew it.


	7. Chapter 7

Josh was tense. The show had begun without any complications. Tyler was kind to him. No evil remarks or contemptuous looks. Yes, he even asked Josh if he could help him with the black makeup. Josh had hesitated, but Tyler had looked at him pleading and Josh had no choice. Tyler thanked him. And that scared Josh.

A shiver ran down his spine when he thought about the spider. He looked at his drums. What if Tyler was right and there were more spiders that would crawl over his drums? Josh shivered with disgust. His leg itched, but he was busy with playing drums. He could almost see the spiders crawling over him, over his arms and legs...

But nothing happened and after a while Josh relaxed. He was happy.

Josh started to sing the songs along, he didn't have a mic like Tyler, so nobody heard him.

Tyler winked at him while he sang. For a split second Josh saw his mean grin, then Tyler's microphone got mute and Josh's voice was amplified by the loudspeakers and sounded loudly in the hall.

Josh froze. His voice echoed in the hall. They heard him sing. _Everyone_ heard him sing.

He stared at Tyler in panic.

Tyler didn't care about him. He tapped his microphone and shook it. He shrugged and walked to Josh.

Tyler turned his back to the audience so no one could see his face. He leaned over the drums to Josh. His lips were twisted into a mocking grin.

"Everyone has heard it, Josh, everyone, it worked out better than I hoped." he whispered, and despite the noise in the hall, Josh could understand every word.

He stared at Tyler.

"What?" he whispered, shocked.

Tyler just smiled and turned. A crewmember ran to the stage and pressed another microphone into his hand.

"Check, check." said Tyler. His voice sounded in the loudspeakers, loud and clear.

"I'm sorry, we had a short technical problem, but you could enjoy hear Josh singing."

The crowd cheered. Josh felt his throat tighten. He gasped. The faces blurred.

_"Everyone heard it, Josh, everyone."_ Tyler's voice echoed in his head.

Josh bit his lip. Suddenly, he got dizzy, he couldn't breathe and he passed out.


	8. Chapter 8

Tyler was next to him a few seconds later.

"Josh, are you okay?"

Josh blinked and opened his eyes. "Yes." he mumbled.

For a brief moment, he saw Tyler's eyes, filled with fear and the worry in his face, then his expression changed and he was again the mean Tyler.

"Pull yourself together, Josh." He hissed.

Josh sat up. A bodyguard knelt down beside him. "Is everything okay?"

Josh nodded and squinted. "I ... I probably drank too little."

The bodyguard organized a bottle of water. Tyler sat beside him, while Josh drank and watched him attentively.

"Josh, we're going to finish the show, okay?" It wasn't a question, it was an order and Josh knew it.

He pushed his fear aside and stood up. His hands were trembling, but he ignored it. He heard Mark's voice in his ear.

"Should we cancel the show, Josh?"

Josh shook his head and glanced at the stage entrance where Mark was standing. He raised his hand in an okay-sign. He couldn't speak any more. Mark hesitated for a moment, then disappeared. Tyler stood next to Josh and put a hand on his shoulder. His hand burned on Josh's skin, but he didn't want to shake it off, not in front of all the people. Tyler pressed his shoulder briefly and walked back to his piano. Josh sat down behind his drums.

The anxiety made his throat tight, and he was cold, so cold, but he pulled himself together and played the rest of the show without ever looking into the audience. He managed to bow with Tyler, then stumbled from the stage. He felt sick.

As soon as he had left the stage, the fear came back with full force. Josh stumbled against the wall and gasped for breath. His legs could no longer carry him and he fell to his knees. He began to shiver, his stomach hurted and Josh vomited in the middle of the corridor. Tyler was right behind him, holding him by the shoulders while Josh gagged.

"That's disgusting." he mumbled, and softly rubbed circles on Josh's back. Josh wiped his hand over his mouth.

"Tyler ..." he said supplicatory. Tyler grabbed him by the shoulders and held him upright so that he didn't fall into the vomit.

"Shh, Josh, I'm here." Josh felt Tyler hug him and lift him up. He closed his eyes while Tyler half pulled – half carried to the car that would bring them back to the hotel. He fell asleep in Tyler's arms.


	9. Chapter 9

Josh woke up hours later. He laid in a bed, probably in his hotel room. The room was dark. Josh stared into the darkness. He couldn't believe what had happened.

Suddenly he heard breathing beside him. Josh's heart began to race. Somebody was laying in his bed next to him. Josh groped for the light switch. He blinked when the little lamp on the nightstand lit up and illuminated the room with a dim light. Slowly he turned his head. Tyler sat beside him on the bed leaning against the headboard, an amused expression on his face.

"Jeez, Tyler, you scared me." Josh exclaimed.

Tyler laughed softly. "I'm sorry."

Josh took a deep breath. "That's ... creepy."

Tyler shrugged. "How are you?"

Josh moved away from him and sat up. Tyler's face was in the shadow, he couldn't see his facial expression. "I am ... What the hell was that?"

Tyler looked into his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"That ... on stage ... with the microphone ..."

"Oh, you mean that." Tyler grinned. "I didn't think it would be so successful, it was a prank I'd been planning for a long time, I was hoping to catch you in a weak moment, but when you sang…you made it perfect."

Josh swallowed.

"I got small microphones installed in your earplugs." Tyler went on excitedly. "It cost me a lot, but it was worth it. Money talks. I have hidden a tiny mixing console in my piano, which I used to turn on the microphones so that your voice was transferred to the speakers. You should have seen your face!" He laughed. "Like a deer in the headlight."

Josh couldn't believe what he was hearing. Tyler seemed to enjoy his fear! He got angry.

"You know about my anxiety and you did it anyway!" he exclaimed.

Tyler stared at him. "It was just a prank, calm down, Josh."

Josh gasped. His hands trembled. "I fainted, Tyler, I was so scared, I had to throw up, was that funny to you?!"

Tyler didn't answer. Josh stared at him in shock.

"That's sick, Tyler, _you're sick_. You're insane." he whispered.

Tyler squinted. "You deserved it." he replied angrily.

Josh clenched his hands in fists. "Fuck off before I lose my temper."

Tyler looked at him disparagingly. "Oh, what do you want to do, beat me?"

"Get lost!" yelled Josh. He knew, now was the moment when he could show Tyler that he had gone too far. Josh knew now he could finish it. Tears ran down his cheeks, his fist trembled, but he couldn't beat Tyler. He couldn't.

Tyler laughed loudly. "You're pathetic, Josh. Look at you." He shook his head and stood up.

Josh sat heavily breathing on the bed, watching him walking towards the door. Before he left the room, Tyler turned around.

"Now you've finally lost, that was your last chance to fight back. You were too weak. You'll always be too weak." He opened the door and left the room.

Josh's heart was racing. He knew Tyler was right. He had lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll get worse


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed the chapters are getting longer every time...I hope you don't mind

Josh slept badly. He dreamt something, but he couldn't remember when he woke up. He looked around. The room was empty. Tyler hadn't come back. He sighed in relief and got dressed.

His throat felt sore and his stomach growled. He was hungry.

Josh swallowed as he thought about having breakfast with the others. With Tyler. But he was hungry and he couldn't avoid Tyler. He could only wait and see what would happen.

Josh closed the door behind him and took the elevator to the ground floor. Through the glass door to the dining room he saw the crew sitting at the table. He hesitated for a moment and took a deep breath. As long as he was not alone with Tyler, he was safe. He faked a smile and crossed the room.

"Are you feeling better?" Tyler smiled at him and bit into his bun.

"I ..." Josh stuttered. The others looked at him expectantly. "Yeah ... I'm fine, I've probably eaten something wrong."

Michael smiled. "Good, serve yourself." He pointed to the buffet. Josh looked hungry at the food on the tables and took a plate. He was glad Mark was sitting next to Tyler. Josh sat down next to Ben, who smiled at him in a good mood.

"Do you know how many clicks the videos of the yesterday's show have, Josh?" asked Mark, tapping on his smartphone. Josh looked up. Tyler didn't react, he was talking to another crew member. Josh shook his head. Mark grinned and showed him the display of his phone.

 _Josh dun singing and fainting_ was the title and there was a number. 809,654 clicks. Josh was sick to his stomach. So many people had already seen the video.

Suddenly, he wasn't hungry anymore. Mark noticed his expression.

"Hey, Josh, are you alright?"

Josh shrugged. "What will all the people think?" he whispered.

Mark put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, all the fans are worried about your health, you should tell them you're better, and they think you can sing well, I haven't read a bad comment."

"Until now." Josh mumbled.

Mark pressed his shoulder slightly. "Josh, now you may be still uncomfortable and embarrassed about it, but in a few months you'll laugh about it."

Josh smiled slightly. Perhaps Mark was right.

 

Later, when Josh packed his suitcases to drive to the next venue, he posted a tweet explaining that he had suddenly felt sick during the show and apologized. Within minutes he had received hundreds of sympathetically tweets. Josh felt slightly better when he read the answers. No one seemed to hate him.

There was a knock at his door. Josh looked up. "Come in."

Tyler entered the room and closed the door behind him. Josh started to tremble slightly.

Tyler cleared his throat. "Am I disturbing you?"

Josh shook his head hastily. "No ... I ... I'm just packing my suitcase."

Tyler sat down on a chair and rubbed his eyes. "This whole tour is quite exhausting." he said with a sigh.

Josh nodded and put a shirt in the suitcase. Tyler crossed his legs and supported his head in his hand.

"Josh ..."

Josh winced.

Tyler sighed once more. "I ... I have to apologize to you, yesterday ... it wasn't okay what I did, not in front of all the people."

Josh looked up. Tyler never apologized. Why now?

"I ... I thought it was a good prank and it was funny, but ..." Tyler stood up and sat down next to Josh. He reached for Josh's hand.

"I ... I'm sorry."

Josh glanced at Tyler's eyes. They were brown and warm, and Josh's trembling disappeared.

"Will you forgive me, Josh?" asked Tyler.

Josh nodded. "I forgive you, Tyler, but why ... why do you apologize?"

Tyler showed a croocked smile. "I had a guilty conscience, it could have done much more damage. And it could be bad for the show or my…our career."

Josh gritted his teeth. So, Tyler was afraid that someone would know what he did to Josh? Was he afraid Josh could talk to someone and betray him?

Tyler stood up and pressed a fleeting kiss on Josh's bright yellow hair.

"I need you, Josh."

"I need you too, Tyler." Josh said with a raspy voice.

Tyler looked down at him with a dangerous smile. "Good." he said. Nothing more, but at that moment Josh gave up. He knew he could no longer fight Tyler.

When Tyler left the room, Josh began to cry.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I should've updated earlier, but I wrote so much beside this fic, so hadn't any time left to write the next chapter...but, here it is

The whole ride to the next venue, Josh stayed silent. Tyler wrote lyrics in a notebook and didn't talk to him. Josh was glad about that. He was insecure. He didn't know how to deal with Tyler. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. On one side, Tyler was nice and friendly and Josh's best friend, and on the other side he was the angry, mean Tyler, who took his anger out on Josh.

Josh watched Tyler sitting next to him. He had squinted his eyes and wrote so quickly that shortly afterwards he had filled the whole page with his words. After a few minutes, he threw the pen aside, groaned angrily, and buried his face in his hands.

Josh bit his lip. What should he do? React or not?

"... Tyler?" he said hesitantly.

Tyler looked up and stared at him. "What?"

"Is everything okay?"

Tyler sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Nothing works."

Josh smiled slightly. "Then it's good that we have the day off."

Tyler grimaced. "Funny, really."

Josh raised his hands. "That wasn't a joke."

Tyler crossed his arms and said nothing. He turned to the window and stared at the streets. Josh shook his head and turned away.

 

 

This time they would stay in the tour bus overnight. Josh enjoyed the few nights when they slept in hotels way too much. He needed the moments of tranquility, in which he could do what he wanted without have to be careful not to provoke Tyler. But today was none of those days.

The bus entered the parking lot. Josh stretched. He had to move. He decided to go jogging, after all, he had nothing to do today.

Shortly after, Josh had changed and left the bus. He decided to follow the first path he saw. After a few meters, he fell into a steady jog. The trail passed some meadows. It was cold, and no one else except Josh was there. He sprinted a few meters. After a few minutes, he decided to turn around and run back the same way. After all, he didn't know this area. Sweaty and breathing heavily, he returned to the parking lot a quarter of an hour later. He got into the tour bus.

Tyler sat at the table and wrote again in his notebook. He looked up when he noticed Josh.

"The others left to get some pizza." he said, expressionless.

Josh nodded and wiped the sweat away from his forehead. He glanced at Tyler's notebook. He had crossed out a lot, only a few words were still readable.

"Josh." said Tyler. "Read through this."

He handed Josh the notebook. Josh read the few lines and looked up.

"How do you like it? he asked.

Josh shrugged. "It's good."

Tyler laughed contemptuously, snatching the notebook from him. "Don't lie, it's bad and you know it."

Josh hesitated. "It ... it doesn't sound like you, it sounds like someone else has written it."

Tyler threw the book against the wall.

Josh winced. "Don't get upset, Tyler ... maybe you should stop today? I know you can do better." he suggested.

Tyler stared at him angrily. "Of course I can do better!" he hissed. "Why do you think we are so successful? It's not because of your incredible drumming skills!"

Josh swallowed and took a step backwards. "You ... you don't mean that seriously." he stuttered.

"I mean it the way I said it." Tyler replied coldly.

Josh started to cry silently. He couldn't help it, the tears just ran down his cheeks. With a few steps Tyler was next to him and hit him in the face. Josh fell to his knees.

"Stop crying!" shouted Tyler.

Josh sobbed. Tyler grabbed his hair and pulled his head back with a jerk. Josh screamed in pain.

Tyler leaned forward. "You deserve it." he whispered.

Josh winced. "Fuck you." he replied.

Tyler growled furiously. One hand still in Josh's hair, he grabbed with the other Josh's necklace, a leather cord with a pendant and pulled. Josh gasped and tried to escape Tyler's grip, but he couldn't breathe. He tried to get up, but he got dizzy.

Tyler laughed.

Josh was near to lose consciousness when Tyler let go.

Josh fell forward and choked.

Tyler patted him on the back. "Don't mess with me." he said.

Josh closed his eyes. He heard Tyler leave the bus. He was trembling all over, and his throat felt dry and hurted. After laying on the ground a few minutes and gasping for breath, he got up and stumbled into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him.


	12. Chapter 12

Josh didn't feel the hot water that burned his skin. He was in the shower for an eternity. He stared into nothing and rubbed his hand over his neck. Breathing hurted. He couldn't cry. No anymore.

Hesitantly, Josh turned the water off and got out of the shower. He looked into the mirror. His skin was red from the hot water, and where Tyler had choked him with the necklace was a red line around his neck that already turned dark. On his cheek, where Tyler had hit him in the face, the skin turned dark, too.

Josh looked at himself. He had black circles around his eyes and seemed tired and unhappy.

He dressed slowly. He wondered how long he could still act like everything was fine.

Josh didn't want to admit it, but he was terribly afraid of Tyler. What if he wouldn't let go the next time? Had he really tried to kill Josh, or had he just played with him? Josh didn't know.

Hesitantly, he unlocked the door and left the bathroom. Tyler laid in his bunk and looked up bored when Josh walked to his bunk, his head lowered. He watched Josh when he put on an other shirt. Then he stood up and rummaged in his suitcase. After a few seconds, Tyler pulled out a black scarf and tossed it to Josh. Josh stared at the scarf in his hands.

Hesitantly, he pulled it over his head to cover the red mark on his neck. Josh looked up. Tyler had crossed his arms.

"Why do you have a bruised cheek, Josh?" he asked, bored.

Josh swallowed. "I ... I ran against an open cabinet door." he said quietly.

Tyler smiled and winked at him. "Be careful next time, I don't want something to happen to you." With these words he climbed into his bunk and closed the curtain.

Josh pressed his lips together, but the tears came anyway.

 

 

 

Michael turned around in surprise. "What?"

Josh cleared his throat. "I can't play the show tomorrow, I'm sick." he said. His voice was hoarse.

Michael hesitated. "Then we have to cancel the show."

Josh nodded. "I know." He would do anything to not be on the stage with Tyler tomorrow.

Michael ran a hand through his hair. "That's short term, some fans have already arrived today to stay over-night."

Josh bit his lip. "I'm sorry."

Michael sighed. "Your voice is really hoarse. Have you caught a cold?"

Josh nodded.

"And what happened to your face?"

Josh repeated his explanation. Michael believed him.

"If you're sure we should cancel the show ..."

"Excuse me?" Tyler cleared his throat.

Josh winced. "Tyler ... I didn't hear you coming." he whispered hoarsely.

Michael sighed again. "Tyler, we have to cancel the show."

"What?!" Tyler stared at him.

"Josh can't play."

Josh nodded. Tyler glanced agrily at him. If looks could kill…

"Why?"

"I have a cold." muttered Josh, avoiding Tyler's gaze.

Tyler sighed impatiently. "You don't have to sing, we play the show. No discussion." He turned and disappeared through the door.

Michael stared after him. Josh shrugged. "He ... is right, I don't have to sing."

Michael frowned. "But if you aren't well?"

Josh faked a smile. "I'm just resting today and tomorrow I'll be better."

Michael shook his head. "What's wrong with you?" He murmured. "Something is wrong here."

Josh held his breath, but Michael had already turned away. When he had left the room, Josh sobbed.

He would have to act better. No one should know what Tyler did to him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a fill up chapter...

Josh played the show. Of course he did. He saw the triumph in Tyler's eyes when he sat down behind his drums, the mark on his neck covered with the scarf, the bruise on his cheek hidden under makeup. He wore a shirt with long sleeves and he sweated so much, but he didn't want to take it off.

"Josh is sick. He caught a cold." Tyler explained to the fans. He managed to sound truly sorry.

_He's a good actor._ Josh thought. _Way better than me._

They had a meet and greet after the show. Josh changed quickly and walked back to the room where Tyler waited, sweaty, exhausted, but happy.

Josh wasn't happy.

"Sit down. We'll do this quickly, I need a shower." Tyler commanded.

Josh sat down next to him and placed his hands under his legs. Tyler looked at his phone and ignored him. Josh rocked slightly back and forth. He was nervous and tired at the same time. He just wanted to go back to the bus, shower and sleep.

"Stop it." Tyler said, his eyes on the screen. Josh stopped and stared at the wall for the next few minutes.

The door opened and a few fans entered the room. Tyler stood up and Josh did so too. They hugged the fans, Tyler apologized for being so sweaty, but they didn't care. They were nervous and excited and Josh smiled when he saw how their eyes lit up when he hugged them.

They talked all at once and Tyler listened and smiled and nodded.

"We love you guys so much." A girl said.

Tyler grinned. "Thank you."

"I want to be best friends with somebody like you and Josh. You're so close."

Tyler smiled. "Yeah, I guess Josh is lucky to have me."

They laughed about his joke, but Josh noticed the seriousness in his voice.

"What would you be without me, Josh?" Tyler said. He stared at Josh.

Josh faked a laugh. "Yeah…Nothing, I guess."

Tyler nodded statisfied and turned away to chat with the fans.

Josh bit his lip. He noticed the gaze of a guy, he was twenty years old, maybe?

The guy stepped closer to Josh. He was taller than Josh and Josh had to look up a bit.

"What happened to your face?" he asked with a low voice.

Josh froze. "I…I ran against- against an open cabinet door."

Shit, he forgot to put new makeup on the bruise. The sweat had washed it off.

The guy looked at him. Josh stared in his intense blue eyes. He felt like the guy was seeing _everything_. Like he'd look directly into Josh's soul.

"I know what it's like." The guy said, barely audible. "You can't get out, right?"

"What? I-…what are you talking about?" Josh stuttered.

The guy squeezed Josh's shoulder slightly. "You need to get help. It'll get worse, believe me. If you've lost one time, you won't be able to win control back ever again."

Josh got pale. "I-"

"Take your hands off my boy." Tyler said to the guy and laughed, but Josh saw the anger in his eyes.

The guy sighed and smiled. "I'm sorry, Tyler."

He took a step backwards.

A crewmember opened the door. "I'm sorry guys, but the meet and greet is over. I'm sure Tyler and Josh need to rest."

The fans sighed and looked sad, but they left after hugging both of them again.

The boy with the blue eyes was the last one who left. He looked over his shoulder and made eye contact with Josh. Josh held his breath when he stared in his incredible blue eyes. The guy nodded at Josh and left the room. He closed the door.

Josh breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm down.

"Who was that?" Tyler asked and furrowed his brows. Josh shrugged. "I dunno. A fan."

"He stared at you. He touched you." Tyler said and sounded almost disgusted.

Josh shifted awkwardly. "Yeah…I mean…we hug our fans all the time…"

Tyler clicked with his tongue. "But the way he stared at you, it was…strange."

"He's just a fan. Calm down."

"Shut up." Tyler snapped. "He was creepy. I don't like him."

"Well, you don't have to see him again, so you don't have to worry 'bout him, right?" Josh answered, trying to hide how annoyed he was.

"Watch your mouth." Tyler said and left the room. He slammed the door.

Josh sighed and tried to calm down. He was afraid he had made Tyler angry. His hands trembled.

 

 

 

Josh laid in his bunk and stared at the ceiling. He thought about the guy with the blue eyes. Maybe he was right? Maybe Josh should get help, or at least talk to someone about this whole…situation?

He could go to the police and report Tyler for…for what? Bullying? Abuse?

Josh pressed his hands against his chest. Was Tyler abusing him? Or was it something else?

Josh sobbed. He was so ashamed. If Tyler really abused him, that would mean Josh was weak, unable to defend himself.

The shame burned a hole in his chest. Josh felt worthless. Nobody loved him. Nobody could save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for the next chapter!  
> Violence, abuse, injury!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idea by fear_her_blurryface

 Tyler wanted to go to a bar. "Are you coming with me?" he asked Josh.

Josh shrugged. "I don't know…"

Tyler smiled. "Come on, it'll be cool."

Josh stared at his arms. On the fading bruise o

n his skin. After a few days the mark on his neck had disappeared, the old injuries were healed. New ones were added. He hadn't talked to anyone about his injuries. Tyler stared at him and his smile slowly disappeared. "Yes or no?"

Josh didn't look at him when he answered, "Yes."

Tyler grinned and left the bus.

Josh changed. He held his breath when he took the hoodie off and put on another shirt. His ribs ached. Tyler wasn't as strong as him, but he was strong enough to hurt Josh. Josh couldn't remember the last time he smiled. He hadn't told anyone about the abuse. He was ashamed. What would his family think? The crew? The fans? They would consider him as weak. Pathetic. He was pathetic. And he knew it.

Josh had been thinking a lot in the last few weeks. He had dreamed of blue eyes and Michael's questions, which came more and more frequently.

"Is everything ok?"

"What's happening?"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Josh, talk to me, what's between you and Tyler?"

Josh had ignored the questions. How could Michael help him? The answer was: He couldn't. Nobody could. Josh had to do it alone.

 

 

He kept silent when he entered the bar with Tyler. He'd rather have gone to a club, there were many people and he wouldn't be alone with Tyler. But Josh was too afraid to ask him. The bar was small and dark. Tyler sat down at a table in a corner. Josh sat down too. The few people who were there smoked and the smoke made Josh cough.

Tyler ordered a vodka red bull. Josh ordered a beer. He didn't like alcohol. He didn't know why Tyler had wanted to come here. The beer tasted bitter. Josh drank a sip of it.

"Relax." Tyler said, leaning back.

Josh couldn't. The room was dark and smoky. It was uncomfortably warm. Josh played with the hem of his shirt and stared at the dirty table. Again and again he looked at the big clock that hung on the wall. Time passed slowly. Tyler watched the people around him. After a while he took his mobile phone from his pocket. Josh stared at the photo he was looking at. Tyler and Jenna. They kissed. Josh blinked. He pushed the beer aside and crossed his arms. He wished the tour was over. He wanted to get back to LA and forget about Tyler.

 

 

It was cold outside when they left the bar. Josh shivered. He walked beside Tyler. Tyler hummed a melody that Josh didn't know.

Josh didn't know why he said it. He just couldn't hold it back any longer.

"I'll leave the band, Tyler."

Tyler stopped. He stared at Josh, shocked. "What!?"

Josh cleared his throat. "I ... I'll leave the band, I can't do it any longer, Tyler."

Tyler gasped. He teared up. "You can't leave the band, you're my best friend!"

Josh laughed bitterly. "No. I am no longer your friend."

"You can't do that!" said Tyler angrily.

Josh crossed his arms. "I don't belong to you Tyler, I can do what I want."

Anger showed up in Tyler's eyes. He pushed Josh against a wall. "Oh, you're wrong!" His fist crashed against Josh's face. Josh screamed in pain. He tried to push Tyler away, but Tyler kicked him and Josh fell to his knees.

 _Stand up!_ screamed his mind. _Stand up! Defend yourself!_

Tyler's shoe hit his shinbone and Josh teared up. "Stop it!" he screamed. Cold hands grabbed around his neck. Josh eyes widened and he gasped. He grabbed Tyler's wrists with his hands, but Tyler's grip tightened. He couldn't breathe. Josh stared at Tyler's eyes. He had never seen him so angry.

"You will do what I say." hissed Tyler. Josh's fingernails left scratches on Tyler's hands, but Tyler didn't let go. Josh hit Tyler's shoulder. The punch hadn't been strong enough to hurt him, but Tyler let go and stumbled backwards. Josh gasped. Seconds later, Tyler was above him. He turned Josh's arm on his back and pressed his face to the ground.

"So you think you can fight back? You can't defeat me, asshole."

"Fuck you, Tyler!" cried Josh. Tears ran down his cheeks and dripped onto the wet asphalt. He tried to shake Tyler off.

He heard a click and a cold blade was pressed against his neck. Josh was petrified.

Tyler had a knife.

The blade was sharp and cut into Josh's skin. He felt warm blood running down his neck. He didn't move.

Tyler laughed softly. "Good boy, Joshie."

Josh tried to breathe. Tyler's weight on his back squeezed his lungs. Tyler ran the blade over his chin and held it to his face.

"A movement and you will regret it." he whispered.

Josh stared at the shining knife with fear. Tyler would kill him.

Fear ran through Josh's veins. Adrenaline flooded his body. He freed himself from Tyler's grip and stood up quickly. Tyler growled furiously. Josh backed away when Tyler came closer, one hand clenched to a fist, in the other the knife.

 _He's insane!_ Josh thought horrified. _He'll kill me!_

Tyler was quick. His fist hit Josh's throat. Josh tried to avoid the hit and took a step to the side. The knife cut him in the stomach. Josh gasped and pressed a hand on his stomach. His hands were trembling, warm blood colored them red. Josh stared horrified at his blood-stained hands. Then hel ost consciousness and fell to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger, hehe
> 
> But next update is tomorrow, I promise


	15. Chapter 15

Josh didn't now how much time had passed when he woke up. He blinked a few times. It was dark and he noticed he still laid on the street. He heard a sob and turned his head.

Tyler sat next to him and his eyes were bloodshot. He cried. When he noticed that Josh had opened his eyes, he started to cry harder.

"Josh!"

He grabbed Josh by his shoulders and hold him tight to his chest.

"J-Josh! You're a-alive! You're alive!" he sobbed and his tears fell down on Josh's face.

Josh swallowed and grimaced. His throat hurted and he felt a stabbing pain where the knife had cut his skin.

Tyler didn't seem like he'd stop hugging Josh ever again.

"I'm- I'm so s-sorry! I h-hurt you!"

Josh groaned in pain. Tyler carefully let go. Tears ran down his cheeks. He looked miserable.

"I-I'm so sorry, I'm a m-monster…"

Josh cleared his throat. "No…you're not." he sad slowly.

Tyler stared at him. "I hurt you. I beat you. I…I was a bad friend." He closed his eyes. He couldn't look at Josh anymore. "What...what I did is unforgivable. I don't deserve you. I-I'm so sorry."

Josh raised his hand hesitantly and wiped Tyler's tears away. Tyler opened his eyes and looked at him. When Josh saw the pain in his friend's brown eyes, he wasn't angry at him. He felt pity for Tyler. Josh didn't feel the pain anymore, the pain he'd felt for months. It was okay.

"Tyler…it's okay. I forgive you." he said softly.

Tyler opened his mouth, but no words came out. His eyes widened.

"What?" he whispered.

Josh smiled slightly. "I…I forgive you. You're my best friend."

Tyler swallowed. "…Really?" He shook his head. "No…you can't forgive me. I did…terrible…things to you. I said you'd be worthless and….pathetic and…I don't deserve a friend. I…I abused you, I-"

"Tyler."

Tyler stopped talking. A sob escaped his lips. His hands were shaking when he cupped Josh's face.

"You're wonderful…you know that?" he said and his voice broke.

Josh sucked in a breath.

"Careful…my stomach…"

Tyler started crying again. "I-I'm s-sorry, the knife, I-I didn't- it was an accident, I-"

Josh pressed a hand on the bleeding cut.

"It's okay, Ty. It's not a deep cut. I'll be fine."

Tyler couldn't stop crying. "I called an ambulance and…the police."

"Good." Josh sighed and closed his eyes. Tyler stroke his hair gently.

Suddenly, Josh opened his eyes and stared at Tyler.

"You called the police?"

Tyler nodded. "Yeah…"

"But…" Josh started to panic. "They'll arrest you!"

Tyler smiled sadly. "I deserve it."

"No." Josh shook his head. "No!"

"Ssh, calm down. It's okay. I have to pay for the things I did. They'll be here soon."

"No!" Josh tried to sit up. Tyler held him down. "Tyler! You can't go to jail!"

Tyler avoided his gaze. "It's okay." he repeated.

Josh started crying. "No…I can't lose you… I need you!"

Tyler took a deep breath. "You don't need me, Josh. You'll be better off without me."

Josh grabbed his hands. "What did you tell the police?" he asked.

Tyler didn't answer.

"Tyler! What did you tell the police?"

Tyler bit his lip. "I…I told them that you're hurt and that we need help…"

"Did you tell them you did it?"

Tyler shook his head. "No…" he mumbled. "But they'll know anyway…"

"You're wrong." Josh said. "I'll tell them somebody attacked me. And you tried to defend me and the attacker scratched your hands and fled."

"No! You can't lie!" Tyler protested.

"Yes, I can. We tell the police the attacker wanted our money."

"I don't deserve it."

Josh squeezed his hands. "Yes, you do. I need you, Tyler. You're my best friend."

Tyler sobbed heavily. "I can never be thankful enough." he whispered.

Josh smiled. "You don't have to."

 

 

  _> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<_

 

"Why did you do it?" Josh asked hesitantly.

Tyler sighed. "I think…I need to explain some things." He sat down on a chair.

Josh sat down on the couch carefully and crossed his arms. His injuries were healing, but they still hurted when he moved to too fast.

Tyler rubbed his eyes. "How can I exlain it?"

He pondered for a moment. Josh waited patiently.

"I…I was never strong enough to fight my own demons. They yelled at me and I couldn't fight back. It was a terrible feeling. I felt so…helpless. One day, I was stressed and irrtated and that was the first time…the first time I…hit you." He swallowed hardly. "And I felt great. I'm so ashamed now, but in this moment, I felt…strong. Powerful. And whenever my mind told me I was worthless, I wanted to feel strong again. And then my mind told me I was a bad friend and a maniac and I how weak it was to hurt my best friend and I wanted to prove the voices wrong. It was a vicious circle.

I can't tell you how sorry I am. I know I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anybody. It was wrong and I know it. I'm so, so sorry."

He took a deep breath. "I don't know how you can forgive me. I don't forgive myself. You're too good for me. And if you don't want to be friends with me anymore, I understand that."

Josh kept silent for a few minutes after Tyler's monologue. Tyler stared at his knees, motionless.

Then, Josh cleared his throat. "I wasn't okay. And you know that."

Tyler nodded, still staring at the floor.

"But I still want to be friends with you, because you regret it and I forgive you. But you have to promise, that it'll never ever happen again."

Tyler looked up. His eyes watered. "I promise. I'll never hurt you again, Josh."

Josh stood up. He walked to Tyler and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're important to me, you know? I want you as my friend, okay? Friends?"

Tyler hugged him tightly and stared crying. "Friends." he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your lovely comments and the kudos!


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